I Am the Avoider

Yeah, that didn’t happen. I start a new job tomorrow, one with promise and potential to be rewarding, and to use my skills for a good purpose. And a week ago, when last I posted, I knew what I needed to do:

“Goal 2 – Mental meditation and reset: I start a new part-time job in a week or so, and I need to fully process this exciting new opportunity and work through incorporating it into our family life. This will require lots of quiet time, alone, to think. Oh, I’m SURE I’ll have lots of that this week.”

Nope, didn’t happen. Not even close. What extra time I did have this week went directly to other pursuits, such as a tasty new recipe for chocolatey oatmeal bars, new fall TV, and the relative merits of flea medications for cats. Oh, I jest somewhat, as the week was also full of Important Family Stuff, and Important Church Stuff.

The truth is, I can be a bit of an avoider. Sometimes thinking about Big Stuff can be overwhelming, so I only allow myself little bits and bites of it at a time, letting it sift through the other topics on my mind and sneak into my full consciousness without really focusing on it. Or I talk about it with all my girlfriends, and my mom, and my husband (at least ’til his eyes glaze over, guy-style), and then I figure I’ve handled it.

Sequester myself to think it through, alone? Who has the time? Even less likely, sequester myself to take it to the One Who already knows how it will turn out – why on earth would I do that? Because if I don’t think about it, it might go away. And if I don’t pray about it, I don’t have to trust Him to help me, or risk that He won’t help me the way I want.

In truth, I know that in time alone, I can tease out my concerns, my fears, and my next steps. In conversation with Him, I can share the weight of those concerns, safely face those fears, and seek His guidance on the next steps.

But no, I continue to stumble along in the dark, taking a gamble on my abilities to see it through.  Then I wind up being about as effective as my dining room light:

On my own, I'm about this effective...

Why, yes, I have considered a career as a photographer, why do you ask? Oh, I kid….

Can you believe that NONE of the bulbs in this fixture are burnt out, even though only one is lit (the rest is just reflection)? None of them. They just won’t stay on for more than a millisecond at a time, and unless I can find a solution, I may have to switch out the entire light fixture. Which would be tragic, because it has my favorite design quality: it’s Swoopy. Swoopy is a hard-to-pinpoint, unique quality that I find very pleasing, and that this fixture displays in quantity. If only it was able to actually produce light, as well…..

SEE? See how I make that clumsy graceful comparison? I am but a 5-light fixture burning only one bulb at the moment, not producing nearly the light I could in the world….Really, the potential metaphors are nearly endless – I am but the Bulb, and Christ is my electricity.

If my fittings are loose, I can’t use the juice. OK, I don’t know what that one means, exactly, but points for the rhyme!

OK, it’s cheesy, but it’s what I’ve got tonight. Thanks for coming by to bask in my dim light, I’m off to do a little thinking, and sharing, and maybe even some quick recharging.