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A Tiny Dip Into Serious Honesty

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I know you all are still reeling from the freedom I afforded you earlier this week from pizza box recycling issues, but I need to put some stuff out there tonight, people. Are you OK with that? Can we be real for a bit, and do life, and maybe walk through a season together?

Oh, who am I kidding? It’s Friday night, y’all are probably all out doing something cool and cultural and awesome, or you’re tucked up in bed like a sensible person. Either way, I just need to put this day down on paper so someday in the future I can look back on the crazy that was my life and shake my head and pat myself on the back a time or two. Seriously.

(You didn’t think I was gonna come right out with the serious honesty right up front, did you? I mean, I blog about pizza boxes. And sleep. And Red Robin. But don’t worry, here it comes…..)

So I’ll just tell you what I did today, and then maybe you can do a cheer or The Wave or something. Then someday I’ll do it for you, deal? Cause I am tired, people, tired down into my bones and my metatarsal cartilages and whatnot. Today, I:

  • counseled my brain-injured, cognitively delayed 20-year-old  niece (for whom I am legal guardian) on her love life, and helped her think through the characteristics of a mature Christian relationship;
  • processed  ten pounds of pears to make a batch of pear sauce;
  • mentally rehearsed and fine-tuned my stand-up for a HEINOUS 8:30 a.m. performance time at a conference tomorrow;
  • performed the summer to winter clothing swap/shuffle with all necessary sorting, reorganization, rotating and donating for all three boys;
  • screwed up an important Life conversation with my 18-year-old niece/foster daughter but then made up for it by apologizing for unsolicited and annoying verbal fixing and meddling;
  • validated and encouraged a Dear Friend who is struggling with an unacceptable work situation;
  • made a batch of cocoa with little marshmallows for the crazy 6 year old who played in the rain and the lazy 9 year old who stayed in his pajamas;
  • packed up and delivered the middle schooler to his overnight with the youth group;
  • and trembled in mild terror while planning to assist in worship at my church tomorrow night for the first time.

Dude, that is crazy, right? Some days, it is a lot, it is heavy, and it is ridiculously more than I can bear; and it is wonderful, and an honor and everything I have asked for in life. All at the same time.

I know that the One who created the universe has got my back, and He is directing all of it and He will not let me fail His purposes. But by golly, my metatarsal cartilages and I are done for today. Good night, and thanks for listening.

What crazy heavy thing do you need a pat on the back for this week?

The Big Question: Pizza Box Recycling

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Recycling guilt is an inevitable and serious psychosocial complex contracted when living in the Pacific Northwest, a condition which can cause crippling shame, paralyzing confusion and deep self-contempt.  Hello, my name is Tara, and I am a Habitual Recycler.

This condition causes behaviors that can be puzzling and laughable to those unfamiliar with its symptoms, those from say, oh, I don’t know, the South. I recently traveled to Nashville for a conference, and found myself anxiously carting around a water bottle, a soda bottle, another water bottle, all for lack of a reassuring blue recycle bin. Where could I put them? What was I supposed to do with them?

The head-spinning confusion was aggravated by my co-existing guilt for even drinking water from a plastic water bottle*, instead of a cool, BPA-free stainless steel one like all the cool hipsters do. But thankfully those symptoms subsided relatively quickly when I tasted the water in my hotel. Ewww.

Of course, in time you begin to master your symptoms, and you become an expert at recycling cereal boxes, yogurt cups, and the box your heartburn medication comes in. (Probably wouldn’t have heartburn if I wasn’t so angsty about recycling……) You accept the difficult fact that cardboard Popsicle boxes can’t be recycled (wet strength, Google it) and you even begin questioning produce purchases from Costco because of the EXCESSIVE packaging. (If you are from the South, or are my mother, you may be getting anxious and dizzy at this point. Take a deep breath, you’ll be fine.)

But certain struggles remain, and I am here to share my stories with you in the hopes you can avoid my mistakes.

First I must confess there is one battle I’ve yet to win since tasting the glory, the rapturous glory that is a Sonic Diet Coke with Diet Cherry. That huge styrofoam cup (of COURSE I have to get the huge size, silly question) haunts me, mocks my weakness, stabs me with visions of dying seals and weeping children and a not really Native American actor with a single tear running down his stoic cheek.

But the Diet Coke Diet Cherry calls to me, and at best I can only contemplate bringing in my own refillable cup and begging for mercy. That battle is still to be fought, that victory not yet mine to claim.

But can we talk about pizza boxes? I thought I had this one, confidently tossing my pizza boxes in the recycling bin outside, sure that I wasn’t REALLY supposed to just throw them away, send them to a landfill. (Cue crying babies, screams of horror.) But why was my local recycling company so intent on having me wreck the environment?

I mean, sure, don’t throw the box in there with the pizza still stuck to it, that’s gross. But if I carefully scrape off the cheese, shake out the crumbs, that’s enough, right? A responsible consumer such as myself can surely be entrusted to recycle a huge, wasteful pizza box, right? Those rules are for the unreformed, people who still buy cases of bottled water to drink from home, standing in the kitchen next to their fancy refrigerators with dispensers of chilled, filtered water. Not for me, not for a skilled recycler such as myself who actually cuts out the annoying little box tops for education before flattening my Cocoa Puff box, right?

Yet still it nagged at me, so in an effort to ease my angst I set out to conduct extensive research on the issue. Well, you know, I Googled it. Turns out, grease from the pizza box can really muck up the water-based process used to break down cardboard in the recycling process. Even the Farmer’s Almanac agrees that a cheese-free box can still ruin a whole giant batch of cardboard recycling if it is more than a little greasy or oily. Then you really ARE killing the environment and baby seals and what not.

Frequently quoted solutions emphasize that only the greasy parts are bad. So cutting them off, or even just ripping the lid away from the bottom, means you can recycle the clean part. Great, right? And if the box is too greasy, or you want to reuse before you recycle, this website has 5 fun ideas for boxes, including a cool table top easel for arty kids, a fort and a throne for a pizza king.

So rest easy, recyclers. Me, I’m going to go test out a pizza box S’mores oven.

photo from pizzadelivery.org

*Except in rare circumstances, drinking from a plastic water bottle in the U.S. is unnecessary and wasteful, especially when 1 in 6 of us on Earth have no access to clean drinking water. That should cause guilt! Want more info? Check out waterafrica.org.

God is My Soccer Coach. Poor God.

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This epiphany came to me last week as I watched my fourth grader’s soccer game. It isn’t unusual that my brain was free to have brilliant epiphanies, as I really don’t understand much about soccer except scoring goals. Soccer wasn’t a “thing” for me back in the olden days, growing up in Alaska. I had dance lessons, band, and competitive reading (wait, no, I was just a nerd), nice warm indoor activities. Soccer, not so much. The first soccer game I ever saw was my oldest son’s first game in kindergarten.

Also, full disclosure up front, I never played any team sports growing up, except for one misguided 4th grade season in youth basketball in which I scored one basket. For the other team. I clearly have much to learn about both soccer and team sports.

So I’m watching this soccer game, and my son, who spends much his time on the field watching. When he decides to get in the game, he plays just fine, but perhaps because he hasn’t played soccer for the last two years, he is fairly hesitant. I watch him watch the other boys play soccer, and think about how at that moment, his soccer coach is also just observing and hoping for the best. I realize that really, God is like my soccer coach, just watching me execute the plays. Or not.

He’s set me up with all of the equipment I need. Just like a good pair of cleats or shin guards, I’ve got access to a protective shield of faith, belt of truth, shoes of peace, the full gear set-up. (And yes, I know, we’re walking a fine line here between an insightful epiphany and a really cheesy Vacation Bible School curriculum.) Not to mention the written Word, game plays and instruction. Whether I actually use any of that gear? Totally up to me to strap it on or suffer the consequences.

He schedules in lots of practice time. I know He looks down the road to future challenges, and then allows practice “opportunities” in my life so I’ll be ready for the big plays. I’ve got constant drills and exercises in humility, discipline, dependence, walking in faith, and even teamwork. I just have to show up for every practice and work the drills, knowing I’ll be more skillful and the right moves will be more automatic the next time.

He’s rooting for me, no matter how I play. This was where it really came home to me, watching the boys run, or not run, confidently attempt goals, clumsily miss kicks and passes, and try to practice skills that seem straightforward until they actually have to use them in a game against opponents that may be bigger, faster and more experienced. In those moments, the coach puts the game in the hands (or feet) of the players, and it’s up to them. All he does is watch, advise, cringe when things go badly, and celebrate when they go well.

The dark side to my analogy was painfully clear, because the opposing team had a loud, mean, aggressive coach who easily pigeonholed himself into my diverting little mental construct: if God is my soccer coach, then that guy was the coach for the Other Team. (Boo, hiss.) He sure fit the part beautifully. As our coach quietly instructed the boys, giving them each opportunity to play and encouraging them from sidelines, this guy screamed at his small players, calling them out by name and urging them in specific directions. Of course, by the time their 9-year-old brains could comprehend his distracting commands while also directing their bodies in the game, it was too late to follow the commands, at which point he would vent his frustration loudly. Not only that, but he spent a lot of time screaming mysterious and confusing things at them, like “remember the triangle! remember the triangle!”

Seemed like a weird time to be reviewing geometric shapes with the boys. Anyhoo, his angry screams succeeded in distracting not only his own team, but also our boys. Worse, when he got frustrated with his players, he would physically take hold of them and move them to where he wanted them, humiliating and anti-coaching them all at the same time. Lots of us go through life that way, at times following a coach who is angry, confusing, and definitely not into player development.

I don’t want to imply too much with my analogy, because in reality that guy is human and flawed, just like me. And maybe he just was having a bad day, or someone ate his favorite breakfast cereal that morning and left him with plain corn flakes, I don’t know.

What I do know is that after watching a few particularly tough misses, when a boy just totally screwed up, and knowing how our coach must be feeling, I really had to feel for my Coach.

How many times in a day does He watch me look the other way to avoid an easy pass? Or cringe when I get impatient and cranky with my family, hurting everyone’s game? Or make a bold, confident move in the absolute wrong direction? I am not an easy player to coach by any stretch of the imagination, frequently convinced I already have the skills and the moves down, and then surprised when my arrogance causes me to mess up a goal kick. Or I stride out on the field to battle my opponent without having made appropriate preparations, and I get knocked on my butt. Poor Coach. Good thing he’ll never cut me from the team, no matter how awfully I play.

Now I’m off to write perky and uplifting lyrics for my new VBS curriculum, “Get in the Game”. Theme verse Ephesians 6:9-19, crafts include bejeweling your own inflatable soccer ball, macraméing a cross-shaped zipper pull for your soccer bag, and tracing, painting and glittering life-size cutouts of yourself playing soccer while wearing the breastplate of righteousness and wielding the sword of truth.

I’m sure I’ve missed all kinds of awesome soccer game/life analogies. What have you got?

An Open Letter to American Airline Pilots

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I suppose this should have been written and shared last Friday, immediately after my flights with American Airlines. After all, timeliness is important – it conveys value, keeps you current, and is respectful. However, I don’t feel too bad for not posting until today. After all, I spent the weekend out of town at an amazing conference and came home to the usual  mini-crises that typify post-travel re-entry, broken washing machine and all.

And clearly, timeliness is not a huge concern for American Airline pilots.

But first, a little background for the rest of you. Here’s the thing. American Airlines pilots are currently engaging in a work slowdown of sorts, as reported here, and here. From my experience through the Dallas and San Diego airports last Thursday, and unfortunately Friday, the percentages of canceled and delayed flights quoted were very low.

After flying Alaska Airlines from Portland to San Diego last Thursday, my ticket called for an airline switch and I boarded my American Airlines San Diego/Dallas flight optimistically. I settled into my first-class seat (thanks dad for the miles!), organized my 17 magazines and buckled up. After about thirty minutes of going nowhere, the pilots told us there was a mechanical problem. Fifteen or so minutes later we were told we would be delayed at least 2 hours and would have to deplane.

At that, my Wealthy Businessman seatmate grumbled and cursed far more than the situation seemed to call for. “There’s nothing wrong with this plane, the pilots are screwing us,” he growled. Weird, I thought, as I am always the first to applaud a cautious approach to airline safety, what with my dislike of plummeting toward the ground in a metal tube and all. But by the time I reached the gate area, other grumbling passengers were confirming WB’s story, that the pilots were staging a work slowdown over contract issues. The next several hours are a blur of gate changes, delay announcements, uncomfortable gate seating and angry customer tirades.

When we finally reached Dallas late that night, it was clear that my connection had been missed. Efficient gate agents had our hotel and meal vouchers ready, but instead of spending a relaxing night in Nashville at my cool hotel, I got to stay at a very sub par Ramada. I think the view from my room makes my point:

Um…..should I be frightened?

At least I didn’t have much to carry (she said sarcastically), since my bag somehow made it to Nashville without me. Yay! Same clothes two days in a row and no toiletries! Flights the next day were similarly delayed, leaving me squeaking into my conference just in time, anxious and mentally unprepared.

So, that’s the story.  I hope someone out there knows an American pilot, and shares this with them, because I have just a couple of questions for the pilots I truly want answered.

Dear Pilots of American Airlines:

First, let me say, I can sympathize with contract issues, with compensation complaints, with fears that your jobs will be outsourced. I wish you well in contract negotiations, and I hope that at the end of the day not only are your issues satisfied but you still have an airline for which to work.

Cause I won’t be there. I’m guessing I won’t be alone in not being there. Which means YOU might be alone. And your gate agent colleagues know it. By the way, I hope you have something good planned for those poor folks, as they cover for you, lie for you, and take all of the heat for your actions.

Sure, last week I encountered Burned Out Gate Agent, and Perkily Hanging In There Gate Agent, and Avoiding Passengers By Lingering At the Far End of the Gangway Gate Agent. All of them on the front lines with angry, disappointed passengers.

But I also met Mrs. C., a gate agent in San Diego. When I asked her for an update, she honestly and VERY professionally replied that she had to wait with the rest of us to find out if the pilot “decided” to find any “mechanical problems” with the plane. At the surprised look she got from her colleague, she replied that she was tired of lying to customers and it was time to be honest about what was going on. At my query, she confirmed to me (VERY professionally) that the dispute was limited to the pilots, to which I said “oh, geez, you must be having a really rough day.”

Oh, no, Mrs. C. told me, dealing with plane changes, gate changes and delays were part of the job, and she didn’t mind. But, she said, as tears welled in her eyes and rolled down her cheeks, she had been with American Airlines for over 20 years, and had invested her life and career in a company whose very existence was now threatened because customers such as myself wouldn’t be coming back to American.

She’s right. I certainly won’t, not if I can avoid it.  For starters, business meetings were lost, vacations disrupted, and homecomings delayed. But it was more than that. As I sat in that airport surrounded by anxious, tired and overwhelmed customers who didn’t know when or if their journeys would continue, I saw clearly the stories behind the frustration.

I’ve lived those stories. I’ve been on a plane, flying home to my wedding. I’ve been on a plane, winging my way toward my honeymoon with my new spouse. I’ve flown alone with three little boys, toddlers and infants who could only be kept happy and quiet for so long before meltdown.

And the truth is, I’ve been on a plane, summoned home to the bedside of my dying younger brother, anxious to make it to him before he drew his last breath.

Those were the stories around me. They weren’t just people who bought a product, or purchased a simple service, but they were people who trusted you with critical moments in their lives they could never get back.

You deemed your contract negotiations more important than those stories, and you blew it. Let’s call it like it is. You started calling ridiculous mechanical problems (passenger reading lights, broken tray tables, etc.) and stopped valuing the customers who trusted you. Odds are by now each of those worst-case scenarios have happened more than once.

So I’ve got to know: How do you live with that? And will it be worth it? I don’t think so.

So Mrs. C., I’m so sorry, but you are absolutely right. You treated me with respect, with kindness, and with honesty, while never once badmouthing your pilot colleagues. You, I’d come back to.

But them? Not so much.

Where the Funny Came From

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Or, to be more grammatically correct, From Whence the Funny Came.

So, first, thank you for the great responses to my recent post. I have NO IDEA what to do with this experience, but I’m gonna keep moving forward and see. Anyone have connections to the Christian comedy/speaking circuit? 🙂

Most importantly, I realized that in my nervousness to “just post it!” and put myself out there, I entirely forgot to give credit where credit was due. I performed as part of a team of new comics from NAMI Clackamas County (National Alliance on Mental Illness) in Oregon. This intrepid team of people living with mental illness (I was the interloper family member) had studied stand up with David Granirer, a comedian and stand-up comic whose company is Stand Up for Mental Health. In addition to being funny, David is a generous, kind guy, and though I didn’t come in until the end of the class it was such an honor to work with him.

And it was a double honor to get to know and work with the rest of the comics on the team, who live with everything from bipolar to depression to ADHD and Asperger’s. So thanks to them, to NAMI Clackamas County, and to David Granirer.

If you would like more info on either of these great organizations, check out the links, you will be amazed at what you can learn!

David Granirer, Stand Up for Mental Health, NAMI 2012

The Fire, The Stabbing and the Stand-up: We’ll start with the funny stuff

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Well, hello. I would apologize for the lengthy bloggy break, but there are times in a girl’s life when she needs some grace, and the past few months absolutely qualify. In terms of time and emotional bandwidth to blog, I’ve had none. In terms of living experiences that offer potential blog content – well, WOO-HOO, the good news is I’ve hit the jackpot. You can get a hint from today’s blog post title, and I’ll be covering said fire and (self-imposed) stabbing in future posts. Which will be happening on a much more regular basis now, I’m happy to say.

Enough about that, except to say I’m grateful you’re here. It’s nice to see you again!

********************************************************************************

On to the main event. So, what did you do last week? Oh, me? Nothing much. Just my debut stand-up comedy “gig” in front of about 300 people at the national convention for the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) in Seattle. It was, as Randy Jackson would say, alright.

OK, no, it was actually crazy fun! Wait, probably poor choice of words, but it was really, really fun. And because humor and sharing my family’s story is where I am headed, I wanted to share these first baby steps with all of you. (Or, you know, both of you, whatever. Hi, mom.)

By sharing it with you, I make it real. I can’t hide it, or take it back, I have to pick it up and take it forward.

Here’s the thing – I know this isn’t perfect, or even close. I share it here because I feel like I am at a fork in the road. Down one fork is not telling more than a few close friends about the experience, ha ha, and thinking wistfully about the spark I felt inside while I did it, the joy of helping families take back the power of their experiences through the humor in mine, and the truth in the words that flowed so quickly when I sat down to write the material.

But the other way, the other fork in the road, is to share it here. In the sharing I force myself to own it, to accept the joy I felt in doing it, the very rightness of it settling itself into the center of me.

It also forces me to reconcile the two most interesting comments I received. One woman told me how much I touched her, and another how clear it was that I was speaking from my heart. Neither comment were what I would expect if I was destined to do nothing with the experience. It may be, however, small confirmation of my desire to write and speak to others, to share my passion and the journey of my family and the words of my heart.

If you laugh, even a little, great. You will probably learn a little more about my family’s reality, which has its rough moments. That’s good. If something in here shocks you or offends you, that’s ok, I’ve made you think.

A recent devotional from the writings of theologian Henri Nouwen about the act of writing says:

“The word must become flesh, but the flesh also must become word. It is not enough for us, as human beings, just to live.  We also must give words to what we are living.  If we do not speak what we are living, our lives lose their vitality and creativity….. When we are sorrowful or in great pain, we need to talk about it.  When we are surprised by joy, we want to announce it!

Through the word, we appropriate and internalize what we are living.  The word makes our experience truly human.”

And a couple of notes of context. My audience was a mix of mental health professionals, people living with mental illness, and their family members and loved ones. We went on after a very cool poetry jam, which you’ll hear me mention.

Well, I guess that’s it. Enjoy!

(Note – this worked great last night, had the picture and everything. Today, not so much. Click on one of the links below, hopefully it will work!)

Tara at NAMI 2012

I Will Not Be Mocked

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(Introductory excusatory explanationary: Lordy, it has been a big ol’ bloggin’ break. I’ve noticed that when life gets too serious, too dark, and too full of things that I can’t find even a little bit funny, I go blog dark. If I am ever to approach anything resembling “blogging success” I will have to find a remedy for this, I know that. But for now, I’ll just give myself some birthday grace. I’m hoping for some of that same grace from the two or three of you that read this.)

My birthday was last week, and my sweet husband arranged childcare for the wee boy monsters, so he could take me on a birthday date. And you know what we did? Besides see a movie, because I could see a movie EVERY. DAY. And my sweet hubby knows that, so that went without saying.

But you know what else we did? We went to Red Robin, that’s right, Red Robin, on my birthday date.

And I. Will. Not. Be. Mocked.

I know it’s not cool. I know it’s not a sophisticated, chi-chi restaurant with fahncy sounding dishes and nine different locally sourced organic ingredients presented on recycled bamboo chinaware produced by happy well adjusted orphans  of a legal age in a third-world country. I know that Red Robin is perhaps the antithesis of that, and of cool, and of anything approaching hip.

BUT we were in the ‘burbs, cause that’s where we live, and pretending we don’t is silly. AND we had one hour before our movie (The Vow – WAY exceeded expectations, achieved near ugly cry) and didn’t want to be all stressed out wondering if we would get a nicer meal in enough time for me to buy my hot-tub-sized diet coke and see ALL the previews.

Tangent – I would pay to see previews. Theaters don’t know that, but they could make good money off of me by charging me $5-10 just to watch an hour of previews. That would be heaven.

Anyhoo, here’s the deal. As we sat there waiting on our burgers I decided that part of being Nearly in My Mid-Forties But Justifiably Still In My Early Forties was being comfortable enough in my own skin to be able to honor and enjoy what Red Robin represented that night. I mean, besides the reliably awesome Banzai Burger.

Red Robin was one of the first cool chain restaurants we got in Alaska. See, if you grow up watching commercials from the Lower 48 for cool chain restaurants, but have had none to go to, this is very exciting. It was also the scene of some of my first independent teen outings, all of us hanging out, patting our giant 80’s bangs, and commenting on the cool posters. (Shout out to Red Robin Northway Mall, Anchorage, which has since closed. May the spirit of your Banzai Burgers live forever on.)

Later, it was where I hung out with groups of friends, all of us home on breaks from college. It was where one particular young man tested our waiter’s ability to bring back a set of glasses correctly after taking them for refills. The waiter failed, and I wound up marrying the cocky young man who tested his skills.

The particular Red Robin we visited last week, in those particular ‘burbs, has seen me through giddy nights of early marriage, when I was still marveling that I got to date the same amazing guy for the REST of my LIFE. Nursing my first baby in the restaurant, running a toddler to the potty after nursing my second baby, and corralling all three of the wee boy monsters while just desperately wishing for one more basket of Bottomless Fries and some peace and quiet for the love of all that is good and holy……..

It has been the scene of many cross generational meals with my family, certain we could find something for grandpa, something for me, something for the little ones, and confident there would be a ready supply of crayons and balloons. I have wonderful memories of eating there with my father-in-law before he passed away, watching him make my boys laugh, riling them up right before it was time to leave and go home to bed.

So, though I love me a good Banzai Burger, it wasn’t just about that Wednesday. It was about being comfortable enough, mature enough, and just…..tired enough to feel free to go where I knew I’d be happy. (I’m not gonna lie, the Skinny Tea cocktail with vodka didn’t hurt.)

So don’t mock me. Spend the energy instead and figure out where your happy place is, restaurant-wise. Nothing wrong with going back there, once in a while.

Me? I’ve got my eye on some cool, hip new places I’d like to try out. But meanwhile, I’m gonna start hunting for a coupon to the early bird special at the local buffet restaurant. Apparently, I’m gonna need it for my next birthday.

P.S. I’m sure I’ve accidentally violated some trademark or some such issues for Red Robin, but I can assure you they had nothing to do with this post.

A Situation In Which I Am Actually Silent

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I found myself so far out of my comfort zone today that my comfort zone was charging for “roaming” status. I was so far out of my comfort zone my tight jeans would have felt like sweat pants with no elastic left. I was so far out of my comfort zone that I was……..struck speechless. Seriously.

Believe me, this is a shocker for both of us, Dear Blog Reader! In virtually all group situations, I am, shall we say, outspoken. I am the one who cracks jokes a wee bit too often, who voices my opinion regardless of whether it’s been requested, and who is all too ready to let you know just what I think about how things are going. The participant who lets no silent space go unbroken, who fills all awkward pauses.

But not today.

I’m participating in a 5-day, 40 hour training that started this morning, a training put on by another agency. And let me tell you, as I entered that training classroom, I was struck with every insecurity I had never had. I barely spoke one word throughout the entire day, save for one particular exercise which happened to hit my sweet spot and allowed me to more confidently share myself with the group.

This is all the more fascinating to me (though probably not to you, which is why perhaps it is just me and my mother reading by now. Hey, Mom) because I love meeting new people, I love learning and classes and trainings, and I even love speaking in front of crowds. Honest, I do. Furthermore, I am generally confident of my abilities, my education and my skills, so it wasn’t that.

And yet I was dumbstruck.

Why? Because I was in a room of about 25 people, and I think I was one of 3 that has not been to prison, was not in recovery, and did not seem to get the underlying cultural language of a 12-step meeting. It was perhaps the most disorienting experience of my adult life, and I found myself absolutely silent, squirming in a silent agony of “Hi-I’m-Miss-Mary-Sunshine”. What do I have to say in this group? What can I offer to a group of people who have experienced life so much harder than any I’ve known? Would they laugh at me? Why did I dress up for this class? Why was my hair so …. BIG today? Could they tell what a goody-two-shoes I was? Why couldn’t I stop thinking in questions?

It sounds cheesy, but I am excited and honored that I get to be with these people for the next four days, learning from them, listening to them. They have struggled to get where they are, and are now investing so much of that struggle into helping other people. They don’t have the casual, professional laissez-faire of the colleagues I’m used to, they haven’t been in a classroom for years, and they open up so much more quickly than they should for all purposes of decorum.

Yet they will be able to pour into the lives of people who are aching and broken and lost in a way I will never be able to. They are Hands and Feet without gloves or shoes or any separation, honest and raw and so intentionally vulnerable.

I do not devalue what I will bring to my work supporting other families, as my experience has been hard fought with blood and tears and pain. As a caregiver and family member of young people struggling to recover from years of abuse and mental illness, I can speak into other lives who have been down that road. But it’s a different road. A road that still depends on external expertise, and resources, and a layer of separation.

I can’t wait to see the next few days unfold. I’ll keep you posted.

It’s About the Story, So Don’t Judge Me

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In which I enjoy some “Joyful Noise,” and shush the uppity hipster critics…..

A predictable movie, well-done, is our version of legend, of powerful folktale told round the fire by tribal elder, myth passed down through generations, or epic saga recited in court by the wise, old royal storyteller. We human beings have an inherent love of story, a need to connect with each other through narrative, through “Once upon a time”, and “….happily ever after.” Even the most esoteric human truth can resonate in our minds if told through the emotional craft of story. It’s how our ancestors taught each other the best hunting tactics, or the best ways to choose a mate, or connect with their spiritual lives.

Few amongst you would derisively dismiss the collected tales of a foreign culture, or mock the stories of a primitive people group. But bring up a predictable movie with a plot that bookies won’t take bets on, and stand back. Here comes the sarcasm. Oh, it is so easy to judge. Especially if you fancy yourself an intellectual, or a hipster, or an intellectual hipster. But I stand among you blog among you today to claim that IT IS NOT SO, that a movie well-done can reunite us with our most powerful human narratives in a way that is both delightful and comforting.

That’s right, I said it. I love romantic comedies. I love musical theater. I even love sports movies featuring underdogs who triumph against all odds and win the game in the final moment.

And yes, in fact, I did recently enjoy the movie “Joyful Noise” with Queen Latifah and Dolly Parton.

You wanna go get you some upscale culture, fine. Go see “American Beauty”, or “Up In the Air”, or “Sideways”.  Perhaps you will leave the theater better off in some way I never did. I find that with the approach of middle age – still in the distance, mind you, I’m not close, it’s WAY off in the distance – I am less interested in the Important Movie, and more interested in what will make me laugh, or cry, or sigh contentedly. Or, on a special day, make me angry or sad or frustrated or motivated.

Me? I’ll go see “Joyful Noise”, and grin the entire time. The. Entire. Time. I’ll  savor the contest between outwardly different rivals, competing to lead their underdog group to victory, based on their deeply held convictions, rockin’ good voices, and contagious choreography.

Because you know what? I’ve got plenty of Serious in my life, plenty of Scary Reality, and honestly, even a fine helping of Mysterious Human Evil in the situations in which I live in day in and day out.

So quite frankly, I prefer to watch Queen Latifah and Dolly Parton trade barbs, and compete for the choir master position in their church, and try to prevent the young people in their lives from striving towards a relationship with each other when they ought to know their families don’t care for each other. ( SEE!??? Romeo and Juliet, eternal human story…..)

I want to bounce and sway in my seat to some excellent southern gospel (and gospelly pop music, and pop-y hip-hop-ity gospel), and laugh as Dolly makes jokes about her plastic surgery, and I even want to be satisfied that every single plot twist happens exactly as I predicted it would ten  minutes earlier in the movie. I LOVE THAT.

And you know what? I could go a very, very, very long time before I watch another movie with an unsatisfying vague ending, an unjustified sad ending, or any movie in which no one in the film is anyone with whom I’d remotely want  to ever hang out.

Life is too short, and I will not be judged. I’m gonna grab my joy where I can find it, and if it comes in the form of Queen Latifah and Dolly Parton, all’s the better.

Joyful Noise Medley

‘Cause if that don’t make you happy right now, you ain’t trying.

I’ve Found My Dream Job

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It’s true. Not that I don’t find my current work in the nonprofit world of family mental health advocacy to be rewarding, I do. And it’s not that I don’t see God working through this job, bringing me into places that are in line with His passions but WAY outside my comfort zone. No, I know that where I am right now is where I’m supposed to be.

But I was reminded again today that there IS a perfect dream job out there for me: Permanent Focus Group Participant. Where else will I get to ramble on about all of my Very Important Opinions about Everything? With people watching intently, as if my very thoughts and insights are shaping world events as they listen? Oh, the joy, the thrill of being asked my opinion on things about which I would normally never opine!

If that in itself wasn’t enough to keep me happy and fulfilled (and I am ashamed to admit how very close it comes), there is the added fun of being put in a room of random citizens I would NEVER otherwise meet. I get to analyze and then reshape the opinions I form of each of them in the focus group center waiting room before the focus group starts. I may look like I am eating snacks and drinking complimentary beverages, but I am scopin’ them out like the CIA. (Did I mention the snacks, and the free diet soda? Really, a perfect job.)

Is the shy lady who looks like she might be a librarian actually soft-spoken, or will she turn out to be a shrill, opinionated meter reader? How about the gentleman who looks like a debonair wealthy businessman? Who would have guessed that he was the child of alcoholic parents, that he struggles with long-distance parenting his daughter from an early divorce, or that he would so easily share that information with a room full of strangers? And the buff chick that looks like a runner; yep, she’s a runner. The weird-looking guy with the blue, textured velour jacket who likes to swear a lot? Yep, he’s weird. (He seemed awfully sure that his dentist could tell he smoked weed by looking at his teeth. What do I know? Maybe he can.)

It’s so fun to speculate about all of these people, knowing that in moments I get to find out more about them than I would if we went to the same gym or if our kids went to the same school for months or even years. And even more fun to be reminded in this crowded world buzzing with faceless “other” people on the roads, in the mall, at the grocery store, that we each have our stories, we are each unique, unexpected facets of the One who created us.

And THEN I get PAID, and paid well, for this? Fabulous, just fabulous.

Does it matter that tonight I helped evaluate nothing more exciting than new concepts in dental plans? Nope. Or detract at all from the experience that the last time I got to express my newly formed opinions on sport watch technology (given that a sport watch is WAY LOW on my list of required accessories)? Nope.

Pay me to have an opinion, and put me in a room where I am paid to competitively express that opinion? (Can I think of something new? Something clever? Can I make them reconsider their entire business plan, and beg to hire me for my brilliant insight? Can I make them laugh?) Bring it on.

Yes, if you’re wondering, I realize I may have a problem. I should probably re-examine what exactly my outsize enjoyment of focus group participation say about me.

Wait, wait, enough about me, back to ME!

Mayhaps I should memorize the following scripture?

He must increase, but I must decrease. John 3:30

Darn it. I’m pretty sure living that out will also rule out my dream job ….