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Dear Ice Cream,
I’ll cut to the chase. We’ve had a rocky relationship, you and I. (Not a rocky road, this is too serious for that.) But it’s over. I’m breaking up with you. You make me sick, literally, and I deserve better. I’ve gone back to you before, but I recognize an abusive relationship now, and you’re not good for me.
This isn’t going to be easy, not at all. We had some good times, way back when. It started with heaping bowls full every night in childhood. (Weight Watchers, you’re welcome.) All shopping trips into the Big Town, Anchorage, involved a final stop at Baskin Robbins for a little Mint Chocolate Chip, or Daiquiri Ice, or Chocolate Fudge before we headed for home.
Things got a little rough between us in high school, when I worked for that ice cream shop. I got fired, because I couldn’t reach the bottom of the cartons to scoop unless I leaned into the carton so my feet came off the floor, and the other scooperistas (not a word but should be) got mad and said I was too slow. And because I kept forgetting not to stick long metal spoons in the blender when I was making shakes, and blender blades were apparently expensive. Then I cried so hard when I got fired that the manager immediately hired me back, which actually made me feel worse in the long run. Nobody wants to be a pity rehire.
Things got better later, when I was in college and then starting out as a young adult, with disposable income and time on my hands. We saw each other regularly, and our relationship had a balance and a sweetness to it. We continued on together, you and I, and until several months ago, things have been ok.
But now, you make me sick. It’s painful, inconvenient, and you never check with me to see how I feel about what’s going on. I enjoy our time together, but then in just a short while I’m regretting it, and the pain and the digestive ….. disturbance starts all over. It doesn’t matter if you’re in your everyday, grocery store brand, or like last night, dressed up in your “best of Portland” Salt and Straw finery (and you were FINE……), it always ends the same.
So I’m going to be strong. We’re done. This relationship is over. And I’m not going to lie, I’ve been seeing someone on the side, and we’ve got something pretty special going, me and the tart frozen yogurt. I think that will ease my grief. I just hope I’m strong enough not to give in to even the occasional hookup with you. I know now it wouldn’t end well.
I have an unopened box of Lactaid from Costco that I would be happy to send you. I thought for the past few years that I was lactose intolerant. Turns out it was just my body’s feeble response to high stress. Go figure.
In any case, you are too fine a woman to be involved in such a dangerous relationship. There are many relaxing and renewing comforts which are, happily, non-dairy.
I am a proud new owner of my very own box of Lactaid, which I’m hoping will allow me to maintain my relationship with pizza! But I tried it last night with the ice cream, did not work. The ice cream REALLY doesn’t like me. 🙂
Oh Tara. Oh sweet Tara. I nearly sliced my palm open while cutting an apple today. And immediately thought of your avocado. And now this? It’s too sad to bear! We have a long relationship with non-dairy ice creams at our house – let me know if you want to hear our favorites for some ice cream you can still love!
I just cannot possibly believe that non-dairy ice cream could satisfy my, um, needs adequately. But perhaps I should get some recommendations. A girl can’t have UU all the time!
We all have needs! I hear ya. And UU does the trick in a pinch.
Salt and Straw carries Horchata ice cream – totally coconut milk based and non-dairy – in their NW store. If they don’t have it in the case, you can ask and they’ll usually be willing to bring out a scoop or two from the big freezer.
At home, we use the Trader Joe’s coconut milk based strawberry and chocolate ice creams, their organic soy vanilla ice cream (best in milkshakes and such), and So Delicious Coconut Milk ice cream sandwiches. Those ice cream sandwiches are actually better than the ones we ate as kids. We’ve eaten the So Delicious ice cream bars (think Haagen Das bars from childhood), but they’re just not as rich and tasty as dairy products.
For midnight urges that involve your own pint and a spoon (What? I’ve never done that….) I’d look into the So Delicious pints – their chocolate brownie and mocha almond fudge are both pretty good and satisfying even if not quite as creamy as dairy products. Coconut milk generally gives the richest and creamiest texture, and I’ve heard great things about Coconut Bliss pints so they’re our next brand to test.
In a real pinch, slice up some bananas and freeze them. Then toss the buggers in a food processor and process until you have a gorgeous creamy ice cream. It’s a sugar and cold bomb, so beware eating too much of it at once lest you get the mother of all brain freeze headaches. (Nope. Never done that either.) There are a million variations of that recipe online, and I’m confident you could modify it to include chocolate, other fruits, etc.
If none of that rocks your world, I would take a look at the seriously expensive sorbets at Whole Foods. They carry some goodies – tequila lime, cabernet blackberry – that change regularly and are worth the steep price tag. Because sometimes you just gotta have some ice cream!
Wow! You are well-versed in this area! Thanks. I may have to try some of those!
Hahaha! You are so awesome, Tara. I just had a similar breakup with chocolate. 😦
No, Leanne, not chocolate! That’s too much. I don’t think I could EVER end that relationship. My condolences. And thanks for the comments!
Ooh – I forgot to say – we’ve tried and did not like Tofutti products as well as the Rainbow something brand and anything rice milk based. Ice cream needs fat to be creamy, so rice milk fakes just don’t cut it at our house.
And suddenly realize we have a near obsession with these things…. Explains a lot. 🙂
You got fired from Cones & Cream, too?! I think everyone did….
Aaaaahhhhh….but I pathetically cried my way to being rehired. No pride…….
I didn’t get fired from there…what does that say about me? Hmmm.
I think it says you were taller, and had less fear of failure! 🙂