If I go to the slammer, I’m gonna need you folks to help me break out. Cause let’s face it: at 4’11, not super…ummm…athletic, and a bit of a outspoken, perky, smart-mouth, do-gooder type, it’s gonna get ugly for me. You KNOW I’m gonna talk back to the guards, especially the ones who are mean just because they can be, or because they always wanted to be on reality TV but their shot at “Big Brother” didn’t work out. Which is why I’ll need you all to have my back.
I’m thinking sort of a combo hiding-in-the-laundry-bin, diversionary-explosion, impersonating-an-attorney-with-an-outfit-smuggled-in-pieces-through-my-mail-from-home kind of an escape. (See, all of you smug “don’t watch TV” types? See what a disadvantage you’ll be at if you are ever wrongly accused of murder, or the victim of mistaken identity confused with an international terrorist/hacker?) Can y’all start working on that plan for me?
Oh, and I beg you, while I’m away in the pokey, will y’all take up a collection and hire a cleaning/nanny service for my guys? Cause that house will flat fall down around them in my absence. Seriously. I’m no Martha Stewart, but they will be in a world of hurt, dirty laundry and 3-square-meals-of-breakfast-cereal-a-day.
Since I’m asking you for so much help, I feel obliged to confess to my crime. Can a blog confession be used against me in a court of law? I wonder if that cute Matthew McConaughey look-a-like from “Suits” would be willing to represent me?
Of course, I’m not even sure I’ve committed a crime, but since I’m not very good at cleaning or following directions, odds are high.
I’ll miss you all when I’m gone….