What IS the stale in stale ice cream? How did it get in there? And why does having the lid tilted off a just little bit make ice cream stale? And why can’t ice cream cut me some slack, I can’t help it that the freezer is haphazardly loaded and a bit full, I just went to Costco. And all I wanted was some ding dang ice cream……
I’m sorry, what? Well, yes, I am feeling a bit emotional today, funny you should ask. Don’t know why, yesterday was good, it was a good day. Family had a good weekend, all was well. Then came today.
Today swept in all ugly. Angsty, unpredictable, inexplicably weepy. No reason, no dramatic change in circumstance, no loss or challenge, not rhyme nor reason. Reminded me of a poem, or a bit of scripture. Remember this one?
“Fear the woman, for she is like the gusty winds of spring, one moment blowing through in icy chills, then bringing sun that warms the cheek, then pelting rain which drives all hope and joy from the air.”
No? Well, of course not. I just made that up. But that would be an apt description of me, had I been written about in poetry today. I don’t even want to know how I would come off in a news report. “Yes, that’s right, Jane, this suburban mom was caught on camera earlier today yelling at some shoes in her entryway. Witnesses heard something like ‘on the rack, I just want you all on the shoe rack for 5 minutes, would that be too much to ask?’ These same witnesses swore they heard hysterical laughter and saw shoes flying through the air right after that. Very sad, Samantha, very sad. Back to you now in the studio……”
On a day like today, my brain whirrs with stupid anxiety, spinning from topic to topic. Want a taste of the crazy?
Top 5 things I angsted about today:
1. My utter failure as a housekeeper. There is not one corner of my house, save for my youngest’s room, that isn’t a vile pit of filth. Or at least really messy. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I keep this relatively small house from looking like a bomb went off? And why was the bomb composed primarily of Legos, art supplies and unapplied Cub Scout badges?
2. My crazy career goals. Seemed like a good idea at the time, even a God idea. But on a day like today, I can talk myself out of it in a quick minute. Don’t know how to get there from here, probably not going to work. I’m just fooling myself, etc., etc.
3. How my past actions have already irreparably ruined child A (or B, or C). Today I was convinced that my years as a working mom (in nonprofit Christian social justice, mind you, not as a drug dealer) were the ruination of my middle child, and that I should have never made him spend so much time in preschool aftercare, as that was clearly why he doesn’t get as many play dates as his older brother. All my fault.
4. Big, ugly Things I have to do this week. OK, I know this is vague, but necessarily so. And it doesn’t matter what they are, just that the time I spent worrying about them got me exactly……nowhere. I still gotta do them. And I could have used the time to do something productive.
5. The fact that my brain wouldn’t stop spinning like a crazy kite, careening wildly up and down, one topic of angst to the next, flying in my mind from worry to worry.
(6. Oh, let’s be honest. Time was also spent on “I’m fat and my hair looks weird.” Really, what would be the point in not being honest on my little blog on the Internet. It’s not like anyone will know, right?)
The good news is twofold. First, I am a naturally optimistic, confident person, and I’m a girl. So odds are good that by Wednesday, things will be looking up. Thursday at the outside, and I’ll be back to my sassy, perky self, raring to go.
Second, the goodness of my life doesn’t really depend on me, or which way my winds are blowing. It depends on One who is solid, who doesn’t have mood swings, who doesn’t lose sleep worrying, who doesn’t second-guess and over-analyze His plans for my days.
The good news is that this crazy kite has a Rock on her string.
“The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.” Psalm 18:2
“Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.” Psalm 62:2
As your Mom, I can truthfully say]”I GET you!” All women have days like that from the time they accept that a lot rides on their shoulders, and that don’t have control of much of that. Doesn’t matter how old you are, you still have the days you just want to curl up in a ball and bawl. Just know that a lot of love comes with the lot of stuff, and choose to deal with one small bit. Find all the legos, corral them, nothing more. That will bring satisfaction. Today the legos, tomorrow the world!
Awww, thanks mom!
Just to let you know you’re not alone. Most years my #1 New Years resolution is to stop worrying so much. And, by the way, resolving does not make it so.
It is a sad day when you reach for the beloved Breyers, and you find that the stale has crept in. I feel your pain.